Thoughts of a Zombie
by musician95
Summary: It was at night, always at night, when those thougts about Ringer appeared inside my head. [Inspired by the song "Fix You".]


_"When you try your best, but you don't succeed_

 _When you get what you want, but not what you need_

 _When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_

 _Stuck in reverse_

 _And the tears come streaming down your face_

 _When you lose something you can't replace_

 _When you love someone, but it goes to waste_

 _Could it be worse?_

 _Lights will guide you home_

 _And ignite your bones_

 _And I will try to fix you."_

 **Coldplay - Fix you**

* * *

It was at night, always at night, when those thoughts about Ringer appeared inside my head. One minute everything was dark and quiet (except for Nugget whimpering in his sleep, occasionally), the next her face just popped up out of nowhere.

It wasn't like nightmares or anything. I mean, she had a pretty face underneath all that bangs and tough looks.

Soft skin, beautiful eyes. I used to wonder how she could walk around all day and just _not_ be aware of her own beauty, but eventually, I got it.

I got that Ringer's always trying her best, always giving one hundred percent, but in her eyes, it was never enough. She didn't see how smart she really was.

She aimed too high and fell too deep.

Everybody around Camp Haven knew that Ringer was our best shot. And everyone knew, of course, that our squad ended up first only because of her.

So you'd think we got what we'd wanted. _She_ got what she'd wanted.

But we were still in the middle of an alien apocalypse, right? There was still going to be a war, and none of us would be able to change that.

I think that's why Ringer never managed to smile, or to show any other sign of happiness, for that matter. How could she?

Her shooting skills weren't a blessing. They were going to be a deadly weapon against an alien race, and there was absolutely no reason to be happy about this.

When I lay awake at night, I used to think about this a lot.

I knew Ringer was awake most of the night, too. It was an endless circle, a downward spiral. I felt tired all the time, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Sissy right in front of me, screaming as she died, screaming that I'd let her down.

And I couldn't help but wonder how this would end – if maybe we'd all end up dead and everything would've been in vain. But no matter how I looked at it, there was nothing I could do to make a difference.

If we didn't want to lean back and wait for them to finish us off, the only choice we had was to fight. And like hell, I was going to fight these things. I was going to fight them with every inch of willpower I had left.

Sometimes I was afraid. I didn't feel strong enough, didn't feel like we had a chance. But it wasn't about our chances.

When I closed my hand around Sissy's locket and felt the tears stream down my face, I knew that this fight was going to be our combined revenge for everything they'd done to us, to those we loved.

It wasn't this planet I was fighting for, and it wasn't humanity.

It was Sissy.

Then I looked at Ringer sleeping unsteadily in her bunk bed or, most of the time, just staring straight ahead, thinking.

She must've had a family, too. She must've lost people. Maybe she had tears in her eyes as well when she thought about them. Or maybe she didn't, because she knew they could not be replaced and it would only cause her pain to keep thinking about them.

I'd never seen Ringer cry. I'd never seen much emotion in her face at all, but part of me knew that it was just an act. It _had_ to be an act.

If it wasn't, it would mean that she'd already given up on this world. She'd given up on hope, on the light that would someday guide us all home. She'd given up on herself.

Except that I knew better. I knew better than to let these terrible things happen to her. I would not stand by and watch as she lost hope.

Everyone could be fixed. And if Ringer believed she was broken, irreparably broken, she was wrong.

 _I_ could fix her. I knew I could.

I could make her laugh again. She'd throw her head back and close her eyes and put everyone under her spell when she smiled. Her whole face would light up.

Maybe she would fall into my arms, then, and we'd escape this downward spiral for a little while. For a second, I might think everything was back to normal, no aliens, just me and this beautiful girl, alone in the universe.

And I would hold her tight, but of course, time couldn't stop for us. We'd have to break apart eventually and go back into this wrecked world, go on fighting.

But something would be different. Somehow, together we would've _made_ a difference.

I would not only fight for Sissy any longer. Ringer would not only fight for her lost family.

We'd have each other to fight for. And who knew – maybe that's all we'd ever need.


End file.
